What skills does a homemaker need to learn? If you’re just starting out as a new homemaker, you might well be wondering about homemaking basics. Maybe you’re picturing Ma Ingalls or a ’50s housewife as the ideal homemaker, but those images don’t fit very well with your current lifestyle.

Do you imagine yourself in an apron and pumps, coolly and efficiently cooking elegant dinners and delectable desserts every day? Sewing and knitting clothes for your family? Growing a huge garden and canning fresh produce to enjoy all year?

Talk about overwhelming! That sounds like a lot to learn, even if you already know how to do some of those things.

Don’t get discouraged by this image. You don’t need to know how to do all this to be a homemaker- even an accomplished homemaker.

Of course the specific skills you’ll need will vary a bit depending on your lifestyle, but let’s take a look at the skills which make up the homemaking basics. I’ve grouped specific skills together under the three general responsibilities of a homemaker.

Disclosure: this post contains some affiliate links. If you click on the links and make a qualified purchase, I may receive a small commission. This does not affect your purchase price.

Feed your Family

This is the first and most important part of a homemaker’s job. Why? Simple: you and your family need to eat every day; and as the homemaker, you are responsible for making that happen.

The size of your family doesn’t really make a difference when it comes down to the skills you need. Whether you have two mouths to feed or ten, the basic processes are the same.

Skills you will need to accomplish this task include meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. These are the homemaking basics you need to feed your family.

Additional skills you may want to learn are freezer or batch cooking, baking, bread making, home dairy, and traditional or gourmet cooking methods. Then there’s the entire realm of growing your own food and preserving it. You can probably think of even more skills that I haven’t listed.

These are great was to expand your skill set and get creative once you’ve mastered the basics, but they aren’t necessary at the beginning. If you’re just starting out, there’s no need to tackle these in addition to basic meal planning and cooking.

Meal Planning

There are many different methods of meal planning. You can plan a week or a month at a time. You can use cookbooks, online recipe sites, or meal planning services. There are apps and printable menus to organize your planning. It can get overwhelming, and it’s easy to feel like you’re doing it wrong if you’re not following this or that specific plan.

If you’ve tried one or more methods and they just aren’t working, please don’t think you’re a failure. It takes time to set up any new habit, and meal planning is no exception.

I still have weeks when a meal plan doesn’t ever fully materialize due to life’s unpredictable twists. Your schedule may be so fluid that it’s really difficult to find time for cooking, let alone plan out a week in advance.

I hear you. But it will help to implement some sort of plan for your meals, even if it’s only planning which nights to order takeout because your schedule is so hectic.

If you would like to learn how to start a meal plan, read Easing into Meal Planning. If you’re still skeptical about its benefits, read Why You Should Have A Simple Meal Plan.

Grocery Shopping

Is this really a skill? It sure is! Whether you’re shopping on a tight budget, working with special diets, or just trying to use up your produce before it rots, everyone meets some kind of challenge with grocery shopping.

Maybe you live in the middle of nowhere, and you have to drive an hour or two to get to a decent grocery store. Maybe you have a baby or two in tow, and just pushing a shopping cart seems like a chore.

Or maybe you’ve never really given grocery shopping much thought, and you’re secretly terrified of it. You buy what you like at the store, and then don’t always know what to do with it once you get home. (I’ve definitely done that, especially when pregnant!)

In any of these scenarios, learning the basics of grocery shopping and setting up your own system can be a huge relief, as well as allow you to spend your time wisely.

Cooking

Ah, cooking. This goes on every list of homemaking basics. It’s usually a big concern for any new homemaker, and no wonder! If you’ve recently quit the working world, you may have been living on takeout or mac’n’cheese for months or years.

Frozen meals and prepared selections from the grocery store are convenient, but expensive. If you’ve embraced homemaking as your current career, then cooking will very likely be a part of your job.

Cooking is a broad category, so don’t start out by trying to learn everything all at once. Tackling a complicated meal when you’re inexperienced is a sure way to frustrate yourself. Start with what you already know how to do, and build slowly from there.

For example, if you can scramble eggs in a skillet, then try a similar skill like stir-frying. The ingredients are different, but the technique is similar. This allows you to build new skills from basics you already know.

It’s tempting to look at a recipe and say, “That looks tasty. I want to make it!” And while there’s nothing wrong with this approach, it’s a very scattered way to learn how to cook. You might find yourself in over your head- even if you don’t consider yourself a novice cook anymore.

A better way to learn to cook is to focus on mastering specific skills. What do I mean by that? Well, if you want to learn to cook meat, then different skills to learn would be roasting, pan frying, searing, grilling, stewing, and so on.

Where to Start

So which skills do you start with, and how do you actually learn them? As far as which skills to learn first, everyone has his own opinion. I like this list, which is tailored to young adults.

If you’re looking for help with certain skills, good news: there are a lot of resources out there. From full-blown cooking classes to quick video tutorials, you can find so much information online.

If you prefer to read instructions and look at pictures instead of video, then how-to cookbooks might be more your cup of tea. Many cookbooks have cooking guides included with the recipes.

One of my favorites is the Land O’ Lakes Treasury of Country Recipes. At the end of each recipe section, there is a detailed photo guide on how to prepare and cook the ingredients in that chapter.

I find it helpful because it gives you the skills along with different recipe suggestions, whereas a cooking class teaches skills as part of a specific recipe (which you don’t get to choose).

Here are more of my favorite cookbooks, from beginner to advanced.

Clothe your Family

Before you protest, I am not talking about hand sewing, knitting, crocheting, or weaving here. Those are great skills, and they can be quite useful, but for most modern homemakers they are not necessary.

What goes into clothing your family in this day and age? Buying clothes (or making them, if you wish), washing clothes, ironing, and mending are all basic skills a homemaker should learn. The others are extra: great if you want to learn them, but definitely beyond homemaking basics.

Buying Clothes

Just like grocery shopping, buying clothes is a skill. Finding quality garments is hard enough these days. Finding them at a reasonable price takes great skill and patience.

If you don’t have any kids, then that might sound foreign to you. It did to me, but I have come to appreciate quality clothing more since getting married and starting a family.

When I first became a homemaker, I didn’t see how buying clothes could be a skill. Keeping myself from buying clothes I didn’t need seemed to be more important. I’ve learned a few lessons along the way, and I’m slowly changing my approach to buying clothes for myself and my family.

Laundry

Doing the laundry correctly is a very important skill to learn. If you toss everything into the washing machine and dryer in a jumble, you’ll quickly find yourself with faded or discolored garments, permanent stains, or even damaged or shrunken items.

A good place to start is by reading the tags on each piece of clothing before you wash it. Believe it or not, every garment tells you how to wash it right on the tag! Then you can sort your laundry by cycle type, water temperature, and/or color.

For example, you might make one pile of garments to be washed on a delicate cycle. Another pile might be work clothes to be washed in cold water on a heavy duty cycle.

Besides learning how to properly wash garments, you also have to keep up with it! I know I’ve been guilty of putting off doing the laundry until the last possible day, and then it becomes a big job.

Of course, if you’re only doing the laundry for one or two people, it may not be such a big job. Laundry becomes more time-consuming when you’re doing it for several people.

So if you’re just starting out in marriage and homemaking, relax! You have some time to learn how to do laundry correctly before it starts to take up a lot of time.

Ironing

Ironing seems to be one of those chores that most people have an extreme aversion to. I think it must be because they don’t really know how. Once you get the hang of it, ironing is really quite simple. (Unless you’re ironing sofa slipcovers–ugh!)

If you don’t have an ironing board, you can usually find them in thrift stores. You might not want to store a bulky ironing board, but it really does make the job easier and more enjoyable.

Just like laundry, the first step is to check the garment tag. If it says, “Cool iron if necessary,” you’ll know not to put the iron on its highest setting. Many irons mark their settings by type of fabric to make things easy for you.

If you’re confused, look in the owner’s manual (or do a quick Google search). When in doubt, it’s always better to start on a lower setting to avoid scorching your clothing.

One other quick note about ironing: if your tap water has a high mineral content, you may want to buy bottled purified water to use in your iron. The minerals in hard water can cause buildup in an iron, which can leave residue on your clothes and ultimately shorten its life.

Mending

Just because you don’t plan on making your own clothes doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a basic knowledge of sewing.

Life happens, and if you don’t want to throw away your favorite top when the stitching comes loose or a button falls off, knowing how to wield a needle and thread could come in very handy!

I’m not telling you to take a six-week sewing class. By basic mending skills, I really do mean basic. It’s helpful to know how to:

• sew on a button
• mend a tear
• sew on a patch
• hem pants or a skirt

That list of homemaking basics for clothing doesn’t seem overwhelming, does it? You don’t even need a sewing machine for those simple tasks (although it can help).

Keep your House in Order

While the first two responsibilities of a homemaker focused on the family members, the third one focuses on the house itself. Whether you live in a modern apartment or a rustic cabin, a tiny trailer or a huge mansion, you need to take care of your home.

No matter where you live, there are some basic skills you need to know. The size of house only affects the magnitude of these tasks: cleaning, organization, maintenance, and home finances.

If you want to expand beyond these homemaking basics, you can get into the fields of interior decorating, landscaping and decorative gardening. That’s where it gets really fun! But first, start with the basics.

Cleaning

Every house needs to be cleaned, no matter how small or large it is. Some things should be cleaned on a daily or weekly basis, while others don’t get dirty as fast and may be cleaned only once or twice per year.

When you’re learning how to clean, the natural progression is to clean the dirtiest areas first, and gradually move to the less dirty (or less visible) areas.

You can find myriads of checklists and cleaning tutorials online (I recommend Pinterest). The only caution I have is this: don’t think you have to choose a plan and stick to it forever.

I’ve used different cleaning schedules over the last several years. I don’t currently use a specific schedule, and my house still gets cleaned. So if you can’t stick to one person’s tried-and-true method, don’t sweat it. Just do what you can each day.

Organizing

Cleaning is easier if your house is generally organized, and vice versa.

Organizing is grouping together the things you own so that everything in your house has a place. That doesn’t mean everything will always be in its proper place, but it means you don’t have things floating aimlessly around your house (clutter).

When you move into a new place, the first few days feel very chaotic because none of your things seem to have a place in the new space. As you gradually find places for everything, you feel that you are really moving in.

Sometimes that’s where organizing stops. But what if the first place you found for your quilts or your teapots isn’t actually the best place? What if your pots and pans could be organized better so they aren’t always a mess?

The goal of organizing is reducing clutter and messes when everything is put away where it belongs. Sometimes this means completely rethinking how you have organized your belongings; other times it just means reorganizing one specific space or category of things.

This year, I started using the KonMari method of tidying, and so far I’m very satisfied with it. There are plenty of other methods if you don’t fancy a total overhaul like this; just keep the end goal in mind, and you’ll be fine.

Home Maintenance

Home maintenance is taking care of the place you live in, and its larger moving parts.

This applies to the physical structure of your house (if you own it), as well as the care and maintenance of appliances and furnishings.

Sometimes these are big tasks, like painting the interior or exterior of your house. Sometimes basic maintenance is quick and simple, like properly turning off and cleaning a propane heater for the summer.

Taking care of your home and maintaining it properly are essential to keep it in good running order. Do you really want to live in a place where the dishwasher doesn’t work, half the light bulbs are burnt out, and the roof leaks?

You could argue that this doesn’t belong on the list of homemaking basics: that your husband takes care of all of these things. If you’re married, it’s true that you probably won’t have to tackle these tasks alone.

But as a homemaker, you do need to take some responsibility. You’re the one who’s home most of the time, so you will probably be around when things break.

I speak from experience. Rarely do major problems happen when my husband is home to deal with them.

I’m not great at this kind of thing, but I do see how important it is. Even if I have no idea how to fix a water pipe that burst, I can figure out how to turn the water off so that the problem doesn’t get much worse before help arrives.

Home Finances

By home finances, I mean keeping track of household expenses. I know that not every homemaker holds the purse strings; but I think it’s still important to keep on the list of homemaking basics.

Even if you aren’t the one balancing the checkbook, you can still keep receipts and important papers so your spouse will have an easier time doing the math.

Why is it important to keep track of household expenses if you live within your means? Well, because it shows you where your money goes. It shows you how expensive your house is to live in and maintain.

This knowledge is important when you’re making big decisions about buying a new home (or other significantly expensive item), having a baby, or getting a different job.

It also should show you the difference between your necessary expenses and unnecessary purchases. I’m not saying you should necessarily cap your spending, but budgeting can show you areas where you can save if, indeed, you are trying to save money.

Keeping track of home finances doesn’t have to mean budgeting, although that is a useful method. There are others. At one point, I simply kept a spreadsheet to track expenses so that I could tell at a glance how much money I had spent in a given month, and what I spent it on.

Even if you start out by saving the receipts from appliances and other large purchases, that’s something. The ultimate goal is to make the financial landscape of your household clear to both you and your spouse.

Homemaking Basics: Tools in your Toolbox

As a homemaker, your job has many responsibilities. You’ll probably find yourself wearing several different hats, so it’s a good idea to learn the basic skills you’ll need early on.

If you learn at least the rudiments of these skills, you won’t be as frustrated by unexpected problems. They are like tools in a toolbox: you may not need them all right away, but you’ll be glad to have them when a pipe starts leaking.

Where do you go from here? If you enjoyed this article and would like to receive more tips about homemaking basics in your inbox, I invite you to subscribe to my email newsletter!

I send fortnightly newsletters with updates, homemaking tips, and useful resources. Plus, you’ll get access to free printable meal planning sheets, kitchen labels, and recipe cards! I’d love for you to join me in this adventure of homemaking!

“So you’re a homemaker.”

There’s a pause in the conversation; perhaps a polite smile. There seems to be a question hanging in the air.

Does this statement require an explanation? Although it has become an unpopular choice for women in developed nations, it’s hard to believe that other people–women especially–don’t even understand why you would want that lifestyle.

Maybe it does need an explanation in today’s world. Maybe so many girls are growing up without seeing the viability and desirability of homemaking, that they don’t even consider it as an option.

A good answer to the question of why women choose to become homemakers could help clarify life decisions for a lot of women.

What is Homemaking?

Let’s start by defining our terms. Being precise with words is important, so that we know we’re discussing the same ideas. Before we jump into reasons to become a homemaker, we should go over what homemaking means.

Merriam-Webster defines a homemaker as “one who manages a household especially as a spouse and parent.” The Oxford English Dictionary defines homemaking as “the creation and management of a home, especially as a pleasant place in which to live.”

The difference between these two definitions is subtle, but important. If you think of all homemakers as “stay-at-home moms”, as the first definition implies, then the concept of homemaking becomes blurred with parenthood.

However, if you use the second definition, you see homemaking as an occupation in its own right. Children may or may not be a part of the equation.

I prefer this definition because it is more positive, and gives homemaking more dignity.

“What difference does it really make?” you may ask. Well, which one of these sounds more appealing:

• Homemaking is what stay-at-home moms do all day.

• Homemaking is creating and managing an orderly, welcoming home for your family.

This clarifies the difference between the two definitions. The first sentence is passive, vague, and seems to depend on the presence of children. The second sentence is active and contains specific, measurable goals.

The first sentence makes me feel slightly embarrassed. The second sentence makes me want to be a homemaker.

Why do women choose to be homemakers?

What are the different paths that lead women to become homemakers? In developed nations, this isn’t the only option for women, and sometimes isn’t even presented as an option at all.

How then do some women come to choose this path for themselves? Let’s look at a few different examples.

“It’s best for my children.”

Perhaps the most common reason involves children.

(I don’t know for sure if this is true; to my knowledge there haven’t been any studies on why women choose to be homemakers.)

It’s a fairly common story, or at least not yet uncommon: a man and a woman get married. They both have careers, and both plan on continuing in those careers indefinitely.

Then a baby comes along. The new mother gets three to six months of maternity leave. If she wants to continue breastfeeding when she returns to work, she might be allowed to pump in a closet.

The mother gets depressed, anxious, or both due to separation from her baby. She decides it would be better for her child and herself if she stays home to care for her baby full-time.

There are many variations to this story. Some mothers decide during their maternity leave that they can’t bear to be separated from their babies for 40+ hours a week. Others make the decision to stay home after a second or third child is born, and childcare would get too complicated.

“It’s best for our marriage.”

In this scenario, children aren’t in the picture.

A man marries a woman. They both have jobs, and intend to keep them. But at some point, they realize that their work schedule is taking a toll on their relationship.

Maybe they both come home from work tired and drained after a long day. Both want to unwind and relax, so the housework piles up. Tension and stress from work make one or both parties irritable, so their interactions become negative.

Home starts to become a place of chaos instead of sanctuary. If they want to restore their relationship and bring more order to their lives, something must change.

The couple decides that the best option is for one of them to stop working and start managing their home so that it can be a pleasant place for relaxation, instead of a constant mess and a source of contention.

“I’ve always wanted to.”

This little girl’s dream was to be a wife and mother. Whether her own mother was a homemaker or not, she saw it as something desirable from a young age.

Maybe she went to college; maybe not. Maybe she started down a career path; maybe not. There are countless variations to this story. But whichever direction her life was going in the meantime, she had the clear goal of some day becoming a homemaker.

Some day came, and she got married and pursued her dream of creating a cozy, welcoming home for her family.

Some girls don’t become homemakers right after getting married, even if that is their dream. If their husbands don’t value homemaking, they often want their wives to “pull their weight” and provide part of the income, at least until children arrive.

“It just worked out that way.”

Out of all the reasons to become a homemaker, these are the most varied and unusual. These are the women who become homemakers through no fault of their own.

Some unexpected event occurs, and the woman finds herself at home because that’s the best option at the time. It’s usually for a specific purpose that doesn’t have anything to do with homemaking.

Maybe one of her parents or children requires special care for a long period. Maybe she finds herself ill or on bedrest during a difficult pregnancy. Perhaps she is asked to take some other role which doesn’t mesh with her regular work schedule, so she leaves it.

Whatever the reason, she finds herself at home: a homemaker by default.

This is kind of a catch-all category, but the defining characteristic is that the woman ended up as a homemaker because of some other reason, which has nothing to do with homemaking itself.

My own path

I have known women who traveled each of these paths, and some others who don’t quite fit into one specific category.

My own decision involved several different factors. When my husband and I married, we were both working. Our plan was for me to continue working until I had a baby, and then stay home to care for the baby.

Six months later and halfway through a pregnancy, we moved across the country. I didn’t see the point of starting a new job for two or three months and then quitting, so I transitioned to homemaking as soon as we moved.

Many paths, one destination

So now we have four main paths that arrive at homemaking. As we have seen with my own example, there are many variations to these paths: probably as many variations as there are women who travel them.

Looking at the paths, we can see some patterns. The reasons to become a homemaker are many, and they don’t even have to involve homemaking!

Some women choose homemaking specifically, for itself. Others choose it for the benefit to their families. Still others fall into it without really choosing it at all.

Among the women in the last category, some eventually do choose homemaking for itself. Others return to the workforce after their obligatory period as a homemaker is up.

The heart of homemaking

Why do some stay? What is it about homemaking that appeals to women?Let’s go back to the dictionary. “The creation and management of a home” sounds like an exciting challenge to me.

And it is. It’s everything from decorating and arranging furniture, cleaning and organizing, procuring and preparing food, to setting up systems and running an entire household.

Homemaking is all this and more. Especially more. The heart of homemaking is creating a home for your family. It is a continuing work of love and creativity.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t days when your job seems boring or stifling. You’ll have those days. But any job can get boring. The remedy for this boredom is to put your heart back into your work; and that’s where homemaking really shines.

Any job can indirectly benefit your family by providing income that satisfies your physical needs. The work of homemaking directly benefits your family by making your home a pleasant place to live.

If every task you performed at work could directly impact your family, wouldn’t your job seem much more important?

This is what makes homemaking so fulfilling. It’s why some women choose to continue in their roles as homemakers after the immediate necessity has passed. It’s what inspires others to see homemaking as the ultimate career.

Although there are many reasons to become a homemaker, they all eventually lead to this central goal of creating a home for your family. Loving and caring for your family is the ultimate purpose, the heart, of homemaking.

~ Kimberly

If you liked this article, check out The Purpose of Homemaking and The Disappearing Art of Homemaking.

Is marriage what you expected it to be? Has it been a difficult adjustment? Your relationship inevitably goes through some major changes within the first year or so of marriage. If you feel like you’re missing something in your marriage, consider these tips for newlyweds.

Actually, they apply to all marriages, no matter how young or old. But the best time to start putting them into practice is now. Your future self will thank you!

I’m writing from a wife’s perspective, so some of these tips are geared toward women. But you’re welcome to share them with your husband!

1. Forgive right away

Every newlywed hears some version of this old adage. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” “Don’t hold grudges.” “Don’t go to bed angry.” It’s very true, but it’s all too easy to forget these familiar words in the tumultuous first months of marriage.

Marriage is an intimate relationship with another human being. The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to offend each other- even if you love each other very much.

The way to prevent such offenses from damaging your marriage is to forgive readily.

This doesn’t mean you pretend it doesn’t matter or you weren’t hurt. There would be nothing to forgive in that case. No, forgiveness acknowledges the fault and the hurt, but says, “My love for you is greater than this fault. Let’s move forward and start again in love, instead of dwelling on the past with resentment.”

2. Don’t keep secrets from your spouse

Your marriage partner should be the person who knows you best. Better than your best friend or your mother. Such an intimate relationship deserves a deep level of transparency and honesty.

You aren’t truly revealing yourself to your spouse if you hold some things back. Secrets get in the way of true intimacy between persons. If you want to have a deep relationship built on trust, you simply can’t keep secrets from your spouse.

Secrecy undermines trust in marriage because it blocks off a part of yourself that you won’t share with your spouse. Trust is a fragile thing, and even little secrets about insignificant matters can damage it.

Why? Because humans are imperfect. We’re prone to faults and failures and we know it. If you keep one secret from your spouse, they’re going to wonder what else you’re not telling them. And that is not a good road to travel in marriage.

Take money as an example. Money is one of the most common subjects married couples fight over. Being transparent in money matters goes a long way toward preventing fights and resentment.

(Note: I’m not saying arguments are bad. Resentment, however, is bad for a marriage. This goes along with #2 above.)

3. Forget about equality

Some people walk into marriage thinking they will split all tasks and burdens exactly down the middle. Fair is fair, and both parties should pull equal weight.

That’s not really what marriage is about, though. There is a lot of give and take in the relationship, for sure, but equality isn’t even in the equation.

Why not, you ask? Why should one person get the short end of the stick? This is the modern world, after all. Women no longer have to stay home and mind the house and kids. They can have careers too. And men can learn to do housework. They wouldn’t want to oppress their wives.

Hold on! Take a step back for a minute. You’re asking the wrong questions. Think about what initially attracted you to your spouse. What do you admire about him? Are they qualities or characteristics that you yourself possess in an equal amount?

I doubt it. We can only admire that which we do not possess. Even if you both have a similar characteristic, chances are that you and your spouse express it differently.

That’s a good thing, by the way. If you and your spouse had exactly equal qualifications and characteristics, how boring that would be! Marriage is a dynamic relationship wherein both spouses work together, using their individual talents and abilities in whatever way is best for the marriage as a whole.

Differences between your temperaments and abilities mean you bring something unique and special to the relationship. You can give something to the marriage that your spouse can’t, and vice versa.

So instead of thinking about marriage in terms of equality, try thinking about it as a dynamic relationship where you and your spouse work together by combining your different skills and talents to create something better and stronger than the individual parts.

Need a clearer image? Think of a single flute playing a melody. Now another flute joins the first, both playing the same tune. The sound doesn’t change much, does it?

But what happens if the second flute plays a harmony line instead of the melody? Now you have a duet that is more beautiful than the melody alone.

Marriage is just like this. If both parties were exactly equal, why would the marriage exist? But if each brings his and her unique perspectives and gifts to the marriage, then something truly beautiful can blossom.

4. Communication takes work

We just talked about how you and your spouse have different perspectives. You might be thinking, “Boy, is that right! Sometimes it seems like we’re speaking different languages!”

I hear you. It’s because of our differences that communication isn’t as simple as we think it should be. Sometimes when your spouse just doesn’t seem to understand you, it’s tempting just to give up, say it doesn’t matter, and walk away feeling frustrated.

But it does matter. You have chosen this partner for life, and the ups and downs of life will be a lot easier to bear if you can communicate well.

That’s a lot easier said than done, as I can attest. Communication isn’t just words; it’s looks, gestures, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues. It’s not a science, that you can study and learn everything there is to know.

Communication between spouses is not based on rules and sets of data. You can’t look up a word or phrase in the Wife/Husband Dictionary to see exactly what your spouse means.

No, communication is different for everyone, and you and your spouse have to figure out what the other is saying. You will have to work at it for years; maybe your entire marriage. Some couples seem to reach a state of perfect communication after 40 or 50 years together. You can hope for that!

But it takes a lot of work, and it’s often frustrating. The easy option is to give up or get angry when you can’t get your message across–or when your spouse says you don’t understand.

Then what happens? You either don’t talk for a while, or end up saying something in anger. Both of those reactions weaken your communication even further.

That attitude doesn’t help either of you, and it makes important discussions more difficult. If your usual reaction to miscommunication is to fall silent or get angry, how will you make decisions together?

The big decisions in life and marriage tend to involve a lot of emotion as it is. They are a whole lot easier to discuss if you can communicate without getting sullen or angry.

5. Don’t take your spouse for granted

Another thing that’s easier said than done. Some people see routine as the enemy of marriage, because it’s easy to get stuck in a rut of habitual daily living and stop caring.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. The solution to this is to enjoy the little everyday moments without taking your spouse for granted.

What does that mean, exactly? It has to do with love and paying attention. Think about a typical day. How many things do you do each day without really thinking about them, as if they were on autopilot? Conversely, what do you really pay attention to? I hope your spouse is one of them.

Routine says, “This happens every day, so it must not be important.” Living with intention says, “This happens every day, so it must be very important.”

Living with intention means not rushing through life, trying to complete as many tasks as possible. It means slowing down enough to pay attention to each person who asks you to do something.

When you begin to live with intention, you begin to see the meaning of tasks you would have considered mindless. You see who you are helping by doing those chores; or who you could be helping.

If you can do small acts every day out of love for your spouse, your family, your coworkers, your neighbors, that is living with intention. Once you begin to do this, you will stop living on autopilot and taking people for granted.

6. Set goals and talk about your dreams together

How do you keep your marriage strong for 20, 30, 40 years? By working together toward the same goals. Communication plays a big role here, but it also helps to have a mutual game plan, a blueprint for life.

You probably talked about goals and dreams when you were dating and engaged. You wanted to make sure that your goals lined up with your future spouse’s goals–and for good reason.

If two people set out together on a journey, but one wants to go to Chicago and the other wants to go to Amsterdam, it doesn’t take a genius to see that they won’t stay together.

When you enter into marriage, you are taking on a lifelong travel partner. It’s a good idea to review your goals and dreams every once in a while, and make sure you’re both on the same track.

Of course you will both have some different dreams and aspirations. That’s healthy, and good for your marriage. But if you don’t have some mutual life goals, then where is your marriage headed?

Some people wake up one day and find that their life goals are completely different. Don’t let that be you. Talk about goals and dreams with your spouse, even if it seems silly. Don’t assume you know what the other person wants. Ask.

7. Grow and learn together

All relationships change over time, because all people change and grow. Strong relationships don’t avoid change; they grow together. This is similar to working toward shared goals, but on a more basic level.

You may already have learned that you grow together through trials and challenges. But there are other ways to grow which are easier and more positive!

Here are some ways you and your spouse can grow and learn together:

• Read a book and discuss it

• Take a class together

• Attend a lecture or retreat together

• Choose a new activity to try together

• Plan a trip and learn about your destination: history, culture, etc.

• Have a baby

8. Take turns supporting each other

Every marriage encounters rough spots, tragedy, and heartache. Not every marriage deals with these effectively. Strong marriages involve a lot of give and take, and this applies to supporting each other emotionally and physically.

It’s easy to see the physical implications. If your spouse is swamped at work, you can pitch in and take care of all the housework for a while. If you are sick or having a difficult pregnancy, your spouse can do extra to help out.

But the emotional component isn’t always as clear. Think about minor crises you’ve encountered in the last month or so. Did one spouse bear all the emotional burden and act as the calming influence? Or did you trade roles in different situations?

I realize this has a lot to do with personality, and no personality is intrinsically “bad.” Someone who reacts negatively in stressful situations might be really good at encouraging his or her spouse when they’re battling negative thoughts.

My husband and I have fairly similar personalities, and we joke about “taking turns being miserable.” While neither of us has ever been clinically depressed, we can both feel down at times. It’s essential for us to keep a balance, with one person remaining level-headed and encouraging the other to snap out of their negativity.

The point is that when you both know your strengths and weaknesses, you can build each other up and make your marriage stronger.

Saying, “Oh, he’s the strong one,” is counterproductive. You both have something to contribute to your marriage partnership. You can both support each other in different ways.

9. Give your best to your spouse

10. Your spouse comes before your kids

This can be especially difficult for women to remember. The mothering instinct is strong, and it’s easy to spend all your time and energy taking care of your offspring, particularly when they’re young. Some mothers even see this as admirable behavior.

It’s not. Yes, your children need lots of love and attention, but so does your spouse. You can’t spend five or ten years ignoring your husband and expect your marriage to stay as strong as it was before you had kids.

You must tend your marriage constantly if you want it to thrive. That means carving out time for date night and having real conversations without interruptions.

Of course it’s hard. You might just have to get by with the bare minimum during certain periods of life, such as right after the birth of a baby, but it should never become a habit.

You’ve probably heard the adage, “The best thing you can do for your kids is to love their mother” (or father). Giving your kids a stable family environment to grow up in is indeed the best gift you can give them.

And modeling a strong and healthy marriage gives them the tools to form their own strong relationships when they’re older. They learn by watching you–and they’re always watching!

Not only that, but your kids probably won’t live with you forever. They grow up and move out. But marriage isn’t a temporary arrangement. Your spouse will be there until death do you part.

So set aside time to devote completely to your spouse. Put it in your schedule if you have to. How often? Marriage counselors say every week. (I’m cringing as I write this, because I’m bad at sticking to it!)

If once-a-week date night seems unattainable, at least set aside one evening per week for your spouse. Shoot for an evening that you’re not both exhausted. As soon as the kids are in bed, turn your phones off and talk to each other.

Make your spouse a priority. Your kids will thank you later.

11. Remember to be grateful

Last of all, say thank you. Learn to appreciate everything your spouse does for you. Don’t compare your own contributions, saying, “Well, he’s done this much, but look at how much I do every day.” Marriage is not a competition.

If you’re focusing on yourself and everything you do for your spouse, your marriage will suffer. An inward focus leads to discontent and possibly resentment. Focusing on your spouse is the way to deepen your relationship and make it last a lifetime.

How exactly can you do this? Think of all the ways your life is better because of your spouse. Think of everything he does on a daily or weekly basis to help, support, and love you.

Maybe he surprises you with flowers once in a while, just because. Maybe he works diligently every day to financially support your family. Perhaps he volunteers to cook or do one of your chores when you’re having a rough day. Or perhaps he puts up with your hobbies and interests when he would rather be doing something else.

However your spouse shows his love to you, be grateful. Say thank you.

There’s always more to learn

Giving advice is the easy part. Putting it into practice is always harder. I am still working on all of these areas in my own marriage. Marriage is a lifelong journey, and you never reach a point where you are done working at your relationship.

I’m not a marriage counselor, nor do I consider myself an expert. I’ve only been married 3 1/2 years, so I still have a lot to learn. However, I’ve seen some wonderful marriages, and I want the best for my own marriage.

One of the books that has shaped my ideas about marriage is By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride, by Alice von Hildebrand. She elaborates on many more tips for newlyweds and the marriage relationship in general. I have not consciously used anything from it in this article, but I know that I’ve absorbed some of the ideas and they are reflected in my writing.

Disclosure: the link above is an affiliate link. If you click the link and make a qualified purchase, I may receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you.

These tips for newlyweds have been helpful in our marriage, and I sincerely hope they will be beneficial to you as well!

What next?

After reading these tips for newlyweds, do you still feel like there’s something lacking in your marriage, or you don’t have enough time or energy to put into your relationship.

Maybe your work schedules don’t coincide very well, and you spend all your free time doing chores instead of working on your marriage.

If you want to read more about living intentionally and making relationships a priority, read The Purpose of Homemaking.

Why the homemaker’s role is vital to society

What’s the point of being a homemaker? Is it outdated? Does it even matter in the grand scheme of things?

Do you ever find yourself asking these questions? Maybe you compare yourself to others who have more illustrious occupations, or your former self before you adopted this role.

Perhaps you’re thinking about becoming a homemaker, but you’re leery of the social stigma or worried about degenerating into a vegetative state for lack of any intellectual stimulation.

Maybe you’ve been a homemaker for a while, and it’s beginning to feel pointless. Other people make comments about being a “productive member of society” or being successful in life, and you begin to feel like you have no place in the adult world.

To find the answer, let’s start by examining the meaning of work and the purpose of homemaking.

Work to live or Live to work?

What is the meaning of work? Is all work meaningful? These two questions are closely related, and very important to answer if you want to live with purpose.

Of course, you could write several books on the subject of meaningful work- and many people have. This brief overview just provides a framework for the question we are concerned with: whether or not the work of homemaking is meaningful.

Work can be defined in different ways, depending on your approach. Science, Philosophy, and Politics would each emphasize different aspects of it. For the sake of clarity, I am speaking of human work from a social and mildly philosophical standpoint.

Work, according to Joseph Pieper, is “that which gives man’s workday its name; it satisfies our basic needs and procures our daily bread; it constitutes the active effort to provide those things indispensable in order to stay alive.”

His definition emphasizes work as a means to a specific and measurable end: procuring a livelihood. If you isolate this statement, then work would be judged solely on the basis of money. The best work would be that which makes the most money.

But this goal of earning a livelihood is not the ultimate goal, and is not the only standard by which work should be judged. Pieper poses this question: “Can the human being be satisfied with being a functionary, a ‘worker’? Can human existence be fulfilled in being exclusively a work-a-day existence?”

A fully human life

Humans are rational beings, possessing intellects and wills. We can think and reason, imagine and make free choices. Animals, which live on an irrational and instinctual level of consciousness, can be satisfied with working to survive.

But humans need more than that to be truly satisfied. A fully human existence must challenge the intellect and engage the will, not merely provide for the physical needs of the body.

To be meaningful, then, work must support a truly human life. Work itself is not the end goal.

Some forms of work require more intellectual engagement than others, but even physical labor can be meaningful if it is directed toward supporting a fully human life.

The purpose of Homemaking

How do you define the purpose of homemaking? Well, what makes a good homemaker? One who accomplishes the most housework in a given amount of time? It’s one thing to make a list and check off as many tasks as you can, but that seems arbitrary and ultimately pointless.

If the goal of homemaking is merely to complete as much cooking and cleaning as possible every day, only to start over again the next day in an endless cycle of drudgery, that would be as mechanical and mindless as a career woman’s worst nightmare.

However, if the purpose of homemaking is to create a cheerful, welcoming home that is a haven for family and friends, then the individual tasks don’t seem distasteful anymore.

Working toward the goal

If you want your family to be able to relax and have fun together in your home, then you need to maintain some level of order and cleanliness.

Thus, cleaning the bathroom becomes less of a dreaded chore and more of a necessary means to the end that is a well-ordered home. When you think about it like this, each mundane task becomes an opportunity to love and serve your family.

It doesn’t matter that you will probably have to clean that very same bathroom hundreds or thousands of times over. You can still take delight in a job well done.

The purpose of homemaking is accomplished through love

Other tasks, like cooking, can even be raised to an art form. I’m not talking about gourmet cooking here, though there’s nothing wrong with that! Even small actions become works of art when they are done thoughtfully and out of love.

St. Francis of Assisi said, “He who works with his hands is a laborer. He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman. He who works with his hands, head, and heart is an artist.”

What exactly does that mean? A laborer’s job takes physical strength and coordination. It doesn’t necessarily require much thinking, which is why people sometimes complain about “mindless work.” (Even if you think housework belongs in this category, keep reading!)

The next level, the craftsman, does require thinking. Animals can work together as laborers to build anthills or beehives, but they cannot think and reason as humans can. Craftsmen can take a piece of raw material and make it into something new. They can look at a problem and come up with a creative solution through reason and imagination.

Transcendentals

Artists go one step further. Their goal is not merely utilitarian: finding a solution to a problem, or material: making a useful object. Their goals have to do with transcendental attributes of being: the Good, the True, and the Beautiful.

Artists strive to reflect one or more of these ideals in their work, whichever medium they use. Philosophy and Law are ordered to Truth. Composing music, painting, and other forms of art reflect Beauty. Ethics and Medicine promote Goodness.

What does this have to do with scrubbing pots and sweeping the floor? It has to do with the end: the “Why” of the artist, laborer, or craftsman.

It’s not so much the subject of your work that defines which category you fall into. There are artists, craftsmen, and laborers working in all of the fields listed above, even though we would consider most of them professionals.

Don’t believe it? Here’s an example. I worked in a hospital for a time. Hospitals employ people to perform a wide range of jobs, from delivering trays of food to handling medical emergencies. I found people who loved the patients in every level of the medical hierarchy. It was also plain to see who was merely there for the paycheck.

Why do you show up for work? The answer to that question can mean the difference between a dissatisfied, empty life and one that is meaningful and fulfilling.

The transforming power of love

Can you imitate a Transcendental without pouring your heart into it? Does anyone win a marathon without pouring his or her heart into it? No–unless there aren’t any other fast runners!

But in all earnestness, no human creation can encompass a Transcendental. It will always be something above and beyond our best efforts, something we cannot quite capture. For this reason, they are sometimes called Perfections. Artists strive to capture some aspect of Goodness, Truth, or Beauty in their work, and they do this through love.

Love transforms our efforts, be they ever so mundane. Mother Teresa spent years taking care of dirty, sick, “useless” people. Bathing and feeding people doesn’t seem like art, but her love transformed her work into something beyond herself.

That’s part of the key. When something takes you out of yourself and makes you focus completely on another person, that’s love. Even if the work you have to do isn’t exciting. Even if the people you serve aren’t starving foreign children, but your own family members.

Mother Teresa said, “It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that matters.”

If you wash the breakfast dishes with love, you’re an artist. If you fold the laundry with love, you’re an artist.

Love pays attention

Here is one my favorite quotes from one of my favorite novels. The author is describing the effects of learning not to rush through life.

When you slow down and pay attention to each separate task instead of cramming as much as you can into the day, a surprising thing happens. There’s still time for everything important, and you appreciate it more.

“Then the small things, the necessary things, even the ordinary, everyday things, especially those one performed with one’s hands–how mysterious that man could do such beautiful things with his hands–were revealed as works of art.”

The Awakening of Miss Prim, Natalia Sanmartin Fenollera

The amount of attention we give someone or something reflects how much we love them. If we always rush through our tasks, we can’t do them with love. Love stops and looks into the face of her beloved.

The role of homemaking in a truly human life

This brings us back to the original question of whether or not homemaking is meaningful work. We have defined meaningful work as that which supports a truly human life. The purpose of homemaking is to create a welcoming, loving home for your family.

The only question left to answer is whether or not the purpose of homemaking aligns with the goal of meaningful work. Is living as a family in a welcoming, loving home part of a truly human life?

For something to be considered truly human does not mean that every person who ever lived must have experienced it. A truly human life is the best life a human person could live, but not everyone does. Some don’t have the opportunity, and some who have the opportunity aren’t interested.

Homemaking supports a truly human life by providing the best environment for raising children.

Children need more than just food and shelter to learn and develop properly. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs defines five different levels of human needs, starting with the basic physical requirements for survival and moving upwards through safety, love, esteem, and self-actualization.

Homemakers create stability by being present in the family home and keeping that home organized and running smoothly.

A stable family is a requirement for children to feel safety and security. A welcoming and loving family helps a child feel that he belongs and has value as a person. This in turn is the basis for self-esteem and the ability to pursue meaning and fulfillment in his own life.

Longitudinal studies have shown that when a child is born or adopted into a loving, stable family, he or she has the best chance of success academically and socially.

The absence of a stable home life often results in lack of self-esteem or poor adaptation skills. If a child doesn’t feel secure, how can he begin to determine his place in the world?

Homemaking strengthens the foundations of society

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs doesn’t only apply to children. Every human person, regardless of age, must meet each level of needs in order to truly flourish.

Homemaking provides stability for every member of the family, fulfilling the second level: safety and security needs. A stable home might seem more important for children, but adults also need a solid foundation.

Life is unpredictable and full of changes: some positive, others negative. A person’s ability to adapt to changes depends heavily on their sense of security and stability.

In a broader sense, a society’s ability to adapt to changes or work together depends on its stability. When the ties that unite a nation begin to disintegrate, the nation weakens. It is easier for factions to divide the nation, or for a usurper to take control.

How do you determine a society’s stability? By its families. Families are the basic unit of society, from the earliest human records. Thus the health of a nation can be estimated by the health of its families.

If families are united, the communities will be stronger. If families are divided and isolated, communities become less cohesive and weaker.

Accomplishing the purpose of homemaking supports the family and society by creating stable homes in a changing world.

The ultimate purpose of homemaking

Do you still feel like your work at home doesn’t really matter? Do you compare yourself to others who seem to be helping many people in their jobs or volunteer positions?

One of my favorite quotes from Mother Teresa is, “If you want to see change in the world, go home and love your family.”

How true that is. If we don’t want to pour our hearts into loving our families, how will we love anyone else? And if we try to help others without really loving them, we won’t accomplish lasting changes.

On the contrary, if we start out by focusing on loving those we interact with every day, then our attitude of love will spread outward and affect anyone else we meet.

When you think about it this way, our world is in desperate need of loving homemakers. There is as much suffering as ever, and a lack of people who know how to love.

A family without love splinters into lonely fragments. A society without loving families becomes a group of isolated individuals that must substitute laws for personal responsibility and concern for the needs of others.

Love strengthens not only our families, but also our neighborhoods and communities. These, in turn, form the basis for a stable society.

By staying home and loving their families, homemakers really are making a difference in the world. Your work does matter. The love you show in your small actions has the power to extend beyond the walls of your house and shine a little more light into the world.

***

You may also like The Disappearing Art of Homemaking