Author: kimberly

Are there virtues specific to homemaking? Perhaps not exclusively, but the vocation of homemaking provides opportunities to practice many, many virtues. This series explores how homemakers can cultivate the twelve Fruits of the Spirit in everyday life, through their ministry of home and family.

In the first part of this series, we covered charity, joy, peace, kindness, and gentleness. This time, let’s talk about the remaining Fruits of the Spirit. Some of them are words you might not be familiar with, as they’re not used or talked about much these days. But that’s all the more reason to learn about them, and how they can help us become better homemakers!

There are seven remaining virtues to make up the original twelve Fruits of the Spirit: patience, goodness, long-suffering, modesty, faith, continency, and chastity. Why twelve, when only eight are mentioned in some Scripture passages? The passage in the book of Revelation, or the Apocalypse, refers to the Fruits of the Spirit thus: “On both sides of the river was the tree bearing twelve fruits” (Revelation 22:2). Also, if there’s a choice between eight or twelve ways to grow in holiness, wouldn’t you rather hear about all of them?

So without further ado, let’s examine these remaining virtues.

Patience

Patience isn’t one of those lesser-known virtues I was talking about. Opportunities for patience abound in home life, perhaps more than in any other area of life. This doesn’t make it any easier for most of us, unfortunately!

There are a lot of repetitive tasks in a homemaker’s daily life and routine. Preparing three meals a day, for example; or all the housecleaning chores that must be done again and again and yet again if we want to keep our homes in some semblance of order. Not everyone likes cooking, and even the ones who do get bored of it at times. I enjoy cooking for the most part, but there are many days when I would rather do just about anything than cook another meal. (Probably more often than not, during the third trimester and postpartum periods!)

Likewise with cleaning–which I don’t happen to enjoy nearly so much as cooking. It takes a healthy dose of patience to watch dirty feet run across my freshly cleaned floors without shouting or scolding. It takes patience to tackle the mountain of dishes without complaining, when my back hurts and nobody liked the meal anyways, even though I spent hours on it.

Yes, patience is a fundamental virtue for homemakers. We all need to work at it, no matter how patient we are by nature. I remember thinking that I was a rather patient person, as far as personalities went–back before I had children! It’s funny how living with a family shows you your faults in glaring detail. But remember, this is a good thing. If you feel like a complete failure at patience because you’re always yelling at your kids or frustrated with your husband, that’s the first step towards becoming a more patient person. Just think how impatient and selfish we all would be if left to ourselves, without any families to show us where we need to grow.

Since patience is so necessary for homemakers, there are almost unlimited opportunities to practice it throughout the day. As with any virtue, it’s best to start with small things instead of challenging yourself with heroism right at the start. Practice biting your tongue when a family member whines or complains, or even accuses you of something. There are times when a response is necessary, but it never hurts to take a minute to gather your thoughts and calm your temper before replying.

Goodness

How exactly is goodness different from kindness? Or in the older language, beneficence versus benignity? In the Summa Theologiae, Thomas Aquinas defines beneficence as simply “doing good to someone” (Summa Theologiae, II-II:31.1) He regards it as an act of friendship, and therefore of charity. In another place, he differentiates beneficence from benignity by stating that beneficence is chiefly the “will to do good” to someone, whereas benignity is the actual carrying out of that willed kindness (Summa Theologiae, I-II:70.3) So, while there is probably some overlap between these virtues, goodness is the interior disposition and intention to do good to others, while kindness is goodness put into action.

How, then, do we practice goodness as homemakers? If goodness is chiefly an interior disposition, you might be confused as to how it’s also a virtue.

Remember how we said that the virtues of goodness and kindness fall under charity and friendship? Reflect, for a moment, on how you tend to view and think about your best friends. Do you carefully review every request that a friend makes, or do you usually agree to help right away? If you see your friend in trouble, do you wait and see if she asks for help, or do you jump into action immediately? We tend to look on our friends from a perspective of love and goodwill. We want what’s best for them, and we are eager to offer help when we can.

Now think about your attitude towards family members, neighbors, and others you meet in day-to-day life. Examine whether you are quick to offer help or comfort, or whether there is some interior reluctance keeping you from being as kind as you could be. You will probably find that there’s some room for growth in every relationship.

The key to growing in goodness is to look at every person with love and compassion. Oftentimes, we feel estranged from a person because they hold different beliefs, or come from a different background, or act differently than we do. This feeling of “strangeness” keeps us strangers at heart; but we are called to reach past those barriers–which might only exist in our minds–and to see that other person as a child of God.

Long-suffering

What is long-suffering, and why is it a fruit of the Spirit? Fruits are supposed to be positive things, yet suffering doesn’t sound very positive. Aquinas explains that “the fact of not being disturbed by painful things is something to delight in” (Summa Theologiae, I-II: 70.3). If you’re still skeptical, let’s explore this virtue further.

The Oxford Dictionary defines long-suffering as “having or showing patience in spite of troubles, especially those caused by other people.” Merriam-Webster offers a slightly different definition: “patiently enduring lasting offence or hardship.”

So long-suffering is a type of patience: heroic patience. Patience that lasts more than an hour or a day, but for weeks, months, or years. Patience that the world cannot fathom, such as we see in the lives of people like Chiara Badano. She was diagnosed with an incurable tumor at the age of 17, and went from an active, athletic lifestyle to a life confined to bed. She died two years later, in the year 1990; but during those two years, she lived with such serenity and joy that everyone who met her marveled at her patience and hope. How, they asked, could a teenager with no possibility of recovery be so happy? She faced certain, painful death, yet she prepared for it “as if for a wedding” (chiarabadano.org).

What does long-suffering mean for homemakers? Perhaps it means accepting our crosses-big and small-with joy, just like Chiara Badano. It means being so solidly rooted and centered on God that worldly difficulties and afflictions don’t phase us.

Long-suffering doesn’t stand on its own as a virtue; it depends on many others: patience, hope, fortitude, and faith. If we want to live lives of radical joy, however, it will take radical, long-suffering patience.

Modesty

Modesty is a touchy subject, even for those who strive to dress modestly. Everyone seems to have different standards of modesty, and some even have different standards for different categories of people! I’ve heard the argument that men should just exercise better self-control instead of expecting women to dress a certain way. Then there’s the argument that modesty is just whatever a society defines it to be by the current fashions. Some people say that modesty is an artificial social restriction, and it doesn’t apply in “natural” societies such as those tribes found in parts of New Zealand.

All of these views seem to regard modesty as some sort of line between decency and indecency, particularly regarding women’s clothing choices. But that’s not the only approach to modesty. Virtues are not merely the “middle ground” between two vices; Aristotle calls them the “golden mean” which transcends the entire plane of natural acts, and takes one to a supernatural level. If we look at modesty in this light, as something positive in itself rather than negative, we can see that modesty is about giving proper respect to our bodies.

Dr. Alice Von Hildebrand wrote: “If little girls were made aware of the great mystery confided to them, their purity would be guaranteed. The very reverence which they would have toward their own bodies would inevitably be perceived by the other sex. Men are talented at reading women’s body language, and they are not likely to risk being humiliated when a refusal is certain. Perceiving women’s modesty, they would take their cue and, in return, approach the female sex with reverence” (The Privilege of Being a Woman). *This is an affiliate link; for my full disclosure regarding affiliate promotions, please read my disclosure statement.

Dr. von Hildebrand speaks of veiling as a sign of respect, which is particularly associated with woman. In this, she echoes Gertrud von le Fort’s great tribute to womanhood, The Eternal Woman. (This is an affiliate link; for my full disclosure regarding affiliate promotions, please read my disclosure statement.)

Veiling a woman’s body is not primarily about preventing men from lusting after her; rather, it preserves the mystery of her womanhood. The mysteries of the transmission of life, the hidden growth during pregnancy, and the process of birth are all entrusted to woman. They are hidden within her body. Every woman shines with this capacity for motherhood. The mystery of maternity is not to be taken lightly, and that is where modesty comes in.

Modesty is reverence for the human person as expressed bodily, physically. For women, this involves veiling their bodies to a greater degree than is necessary for men. Why? Gertrud von le Fort explains that when this veil is lifted, and woman’s body exposed (other than within the marriage covenant), the mystery of woman is destroyed. She is no longer respected as a person, as the bearer of life. Her body is denigrated to merely an object for sexual gratification, to be used and discarded at will.

By keeping the veil intact, modesty shows that a woman respects herself and expects others to respect her as well. A modest woman knows her own dignity and worth. She is not ashamed of her body, trying to hide something she deems unattractive; rather, she is protecting a precious jewel that has been entrusted to her as part of her womanhood.

Faith

Faith as a virtue pertains both to our relationship with God and our relationships with other people. Regarding the former, faith means that we subject our minds, hearts, and entire selves to God, believing and trusting in His words and commands. If we think about faith as it regards our neighbor, the virtue means fidelity: standing alongside our friends and neighbors through thick and thin (Summa Theologiae, I-II: 70.3).

Homemakers’ very lives are based on faith and fidelity: the faithful commitment of husbands to support their wives and children makes homemaking possible. Without faithful husbands who support the missions of their wives in the home, women have to devote much precious time to working outside of the home. While this is sometimes a necessity even with a supportive husband, it certainly makes homemaking harder.

Wives and homemakers have myriad opportunities to be faithful to their husbands and families: faithful in fulfilling their duties around the house and raising children, faithful in actively nurturing their marriages and showing love to their spouses through big and little actions, faithful in caring for friends and neighbors, faithful in upholding truth and virtue by word and example, faithful in guarding their families from negative influences and immoral social pressures, faithful in entrusting every care and concern to the Lord, faithful in walking along the straight and narrow path and encouraging their families to do the same.

I think faith is one of the most important virtues for homemakers to cultivate, and there’s no better way to do so than by daily prayer. Pray when you’re anxious; pray when you’re at peace. Pause in the middle of washing the dishes or sweeping the floor to breathe a few words of thanksgiving, praise, or petition. Cast every care on the Lord, and remember to thank Him for everyday miracles and blessings. Pray without ceasing, and your home will become a place of sanctuary.

Continency and Chastity

What is the difference between these two virtues? Chastity has a much broader definition, because it surrenders the entirety of our sexual instincts, desires, and acts to God’s will. This virtue can be practiced in different ways, however, without losing any of its value. Some people are called to live chastely as virgins, refraining from any and every sexual act. Others are called to marriage, where they are faithful to their spouses in thought, word, and action; and each sexual act in such a marriage becomes an act of virtue, as it is done in obedience to God’s plan for marriage and loving respect for the other person.

Continency, or continence, is the abstaining from sexual acts. Unmarried people, whether they are committed to a life of virginity or not, are called to practice continency until or unless they are called to marriage. But they are not the only ones who practice continence. Married spouses who use Natural Family Planning as a responsible way of growing their families also practice continency, during periods where the wife is fertile but a pregnancy would be unwise or harmful. For some couples, this can be quite a large part of their married life, if health problems or severe financial difficulties impede them from growing their family.

As homemakers, we practice these virtues as becomes our current state in life: married or unmarried. In either case, chastity should imbue us with a profound reverence for the gift of life and the value of each and every human person. Chastity teaches us that other people, of the same or opposite sex, may not be used for our own selfish desires, but they must be respected as children of God. We must always respond to them on the level of persons, not objects.

Chaste virginity, in our world today, is scorned and abused, or even seen as harmful to a person’s development. The example of a woman who chooses to live a life of virginity-whether temporarily, until marriage, or permanently-is a shining light of virtue in the midst of a corrupt society. The significance of virginity also affects marriage profoundly: single people who choose to live chastely show by their lives that marriage is something to be respected. On the contrary, single people who do not live chastely signify thereby their lack of respect for marriage and sexuality.

For more on the profound meaning of virginity, and womanhood in general, I suggest Gertrud von le Fort’s The Eternal Woman. It is a beautiful testimony to authentic womanhood, and the mission of all women as virgins or mothers. (This is an affiliate link; for my full disclosure regarding affiliate promotions, please read my disclosure statement.)

Chaste marriage, while not abused as much as virginity in our society, is generally regarded as a fairytale that rarely happens in real life. Wives who live chaste married lives are no less witnesses to virtue than their virgin sisters. Wives who are faithful to their husbands in thought, word, and deed build up marriage and family life. They proclaim by their actions that the marriage covenant is something to be deeply respected, and they show by their lives that fidelity to a spouse confers peace and blessings on a family.

In sum, chastity and continence are both positive virtues. They are not limitations to be ashamed of, but lifestyle choices to celebrate and live joyfully. The world needs more witnesses of chastity, and homemakers have a wonderful opportunity to show how a chaste life can bring peace, happiness, and fulfillment to women in particular.

Conclusion

This article turned out rather longer than I imagined, and there is so much more that could be said about these virtues! Much more has been written on them, and by better pens than mine.

Now, I am a homemaker, not a theologian; so if you happen to disagree with my definitions, that’s fine. My hope is to encourage you to live out these virtues through your life and mission as a homemaker. Your life is a witness, no matter how hidden and insignificant you feel. The things you do for your family every day really matter! Perhaps you will never see the fruits of your efforts in this life, but we have been promised that no effort at holiness is wasted. Cultivating the Fruits of the Spirit through your life as a homemaker will bear fruit of eternal worth.

Happy homemaking!

~Kimberly

We’ve probably all heard the adage, “Home is a school for virtue.” Usually, that is said with children in mind: home is where they learn the rudiments of virtue and moral values (known as good behavior at that age). However, children are not the only people who spend most of their time at home.

Homemakers have the task of creating homes for their families. Those who are mothers also have charge of instructing their offspring and setting an example of virtue. Every homemaker, regardless of whether or not she has young children at home, can learn something from the “school of virtue” that is the home. Indeed, there are several specific virtues that are particularly suited to a homemaker’s role, and which can be cultivated through the everyday duties of homemaking.

The Fruits of the Spirit

There are so many different virtues we could talk about when it comes to homemaking! Hospitality is a great one, for instance. Gratitude is another indispensable virtue for homemakers. Then there’s patience, kindness, humility, beneficence… Where to start? Let’s begin with the Fruits of the Spirit.

St. Paul describes the characteristics of a person who is filled with grace and living in accord with God’s will. These characteristics are known as the Fruits of the Spirit, and there are traditionally twelve: charity, joy, peace, patience, benignity, goodness, long-suffering, mildness, modesty, faith, continency, and chastity. Sometimes we come across a shorter list of eight: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and faithfulness.

These features of holiness may be evident in any man or woman who is striving to follow God’s Will, but that doesn’t mean they just happen. Surely not! They might seem effortless for some people, but all virtues must be practiced, or they’re not virtues at all.

Charity

“Charity begins at home.” Mother Teresa knew well that virtues must begin in the most common, intimate sphere of life: home and family. This is the necessary foundation even for heroic virtues of bravery or sacrificial love. Those don’t just appear out of thin air in times of trial; they must be nurtured in the mundane tasks and small choices we make every day.

Homemakers can cultivate charity by embracing their role in the home and family. It is easy to tell the difference between someone who is not thrilled about being “stuck at home” with the cooking and cleaning and kids, and someone who pours her heart and soul into being a homemaker. Even if it wasn’t her first choice.

That point is especially important, because the choice to love our families is a decision that has to be made again and again, every single day (and sometimes many times in a single day!). That means there is always a new opportunity to begin again, to say “I’m sorry,” and try harder.

How can we grow in charity at home? “Love is patient… love is kind. It is not jealous or boastful. It does not insist on its own way. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” (CF 1 Cor 13). Our homes and families are the perfect place to practice this foundational virtue, because that is the place we tend to relax and let our guard down. We are familiar and comfortable with our family members; we know them, and they know us.

Because of this, family relationships can get strained very easily. Our brothers and sisters, parents and children can hurt us more easily than casual friends or coworkers can, simply because we have a more intimate relationship with them. Charity sets matters right again, when people get upset. Charity smooths an angry countenance, and clears away the gloom of self-centered grumpiness.

A homemaker who wants to practice charity can find myriads of opportunities in her daily life. She can infuse love into all of her tasks: intentionally washing the dishes and hanging the laundry out of love for the people who dirtied the dishes and stained the clothes. She can make every chore into a prayer, and strive to serve her family as the Blessed Mother served her husband and Son during those many quiet years at home.

Joy

Joy is not just a feeling, although it is usually portrayed that way. The virtue of joy is more like a holy cheerfulness than exuberant emotions. It takes “willpower”–a conscious decision to be cheerful, even when we don’t feel like it. Joy can and does become a habit in people who practice it regularly, and joy is a characteristic trait of many great saints.

This virtue is important for homemakers to cultivate because the wife and mother usually sets the tone for the entire household, even if she doesn’t realize it. Her attitude impacts the rest of her family, either positively or negatively. By choosing to be joyful, homemakers fill their homes with sunshine. If a simple smile bestowed on a stranger can go a long way toward brightening his day, then think what an impact practicing conscious cheerfulness every day can have on your family!

How exactly can a homemaker be more joyful? This might seem more mysterious to some people than others, depending upon temperament. I tend to be more melancholic, so this is one area I need to constantly watch over! But even for those of us who are not naturally sanguine, there are simple, practical ways to gradually become more joyful.

One little way is to accept the day’s weather with a grateful heart: whether it’s raining or shining, you can choose to cheerfully accept whatever the day brings instead of complaining that your plans were ruined. Another little way to practice joy is stopping to appreciate simple things: the way the sun shines in your window, the delicate fragrance of a flower or the freshness after rain, the delighted smile that lights up a child’s face.

As you can see from these examples, joy springs from gratitude. On days when you feel anything but joyful, sometimes the most helpful thing is to take a break from whatever you’re doing, stop thinking negative thoughts, and start counting your blessings. I don’t know of any more effective way to break a grumpy mood and start fresh with a smile–and most likely with tears in my eyes.

Peace

Like joy, peace is often thought to be something that just happens to you. But any mother can tell you that when you live with small children, peace is rarely spontaneous. You have to make it happen. Peace is not just an absence of strife; it is something positive, not negative. Peace is a state of rest, acceptance, and trust. It comes through surrender of one’s own will to the will of God.

Peaceful people accept everything, both good and bad, as ultimately coming from God and allowed by His Providence. They are not anxious and worried about many things, as they trust that “all things work together for good, for those who love God” (Romans 8:28).

This does not mean that peaceful people are passive all the time, or that they are lazy and don’t try to better themselves or improve their situations. By no means! Peace is an interior disposition, which can be practiced even when exterior circumstances are tumultuous and call for decisive action.

Practicing peace is like cleaning the windshield of your car: it clears away the clutter of worldly anxieties and cares so that you can see where you’re going. Just as it’s even more important to have a clean windshield when the weather is bad than when it is bright and sunny, so it is even more important to practice interior peace when life seems to be falling to pieces, than when everything is going swimmingly.

Homemakers can practice peace through daily prayer and meditation, submitting their cares, anxieties, and desires to God’s will. They can act with a peaceful spirit by speaking calmly instead of letting their voices escalate in moments of exasperation. If there is anything in your life that causes you anxiety, consider whether or not you can remove it or turn it off. Perhaps watching or listening to the news makes you stressed. Reading the newspaper or getting your news from one veritable source (as opposed to anything and everything in the media) might be a good alternative.

If social media eats away at your peace of mind, it is wise to limit the time you spend on those platforms–or leave them altogether. Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, or admirable, think on these things (CF Philippians 4:8). These are the things that will set your heart and mind at peace, when you are rocking on a turbulent sea of emotions and worries.

Kindness

Kindness is not a popular virtue at this point in time. Relativistic “tolerance” takes its place on the list of approved social virtues. But tolerance is very far from kindness. It says, “You can say or do anything you like, as long as you don’t try to impose restraints of any kind on anybody.” It is supposed to do away with judgment, but in reality, it harshly judges those who are supposedly “intolerant” of popular practices or beliefs.

Kindness, on the other hand, has nothing to do with judgment. It is simply reaching out to another person with love. Therese of Lisieux said that doing little things with great love is like an escalator to heaven. Why? Acts of kindness keep you focused on the other person and his needs, rather than what you think about his moral choices or social status. Kindness is a concrete way of putting charity into action. By practicing little acts of kindness regularly, you will start to focus less on yourself and more on others.

Many people strive to become less selfish as they seek to live a good and virtuous life. That is a very difficult thing to do! It seems that the harder you try, the more you see your own selfishness. St. Therese compared kindness to a spiritual escalator because it’s an unconscious dying to self: by practicing kindness, you’re not thinking about yourself at all. You don’t notice yourself becoming less selfish, but selfish habits melt away as you start to focus more and more on others.

One of the biggest excuses people have for lack of kindness is being “too busy.” We have all been unkind at one point or another: whether it was driving past a beggar on the corner because you didn’t want to be late for your meeting, failing to notice the cashier at the grocery store because you were too absorbed in what you needed to do next, or brushing your child away when he asked for a story because you were in the middle of some urgent task.

Finding the time to be kind needs to become a habit in order to really be effective. Some people keep a string of beads in their pocket as a reminder: whenever you do an act of kindness, slide one bead to the other end of the string. The point isn’t so much using up all of the kindness beads every day, as making kindness a habit.

As homemakers, so much of what we do every day seems small and insignificant. Yet, how often do we stop to think about incorporating kindness into our interactions with family members and others? Kindness doesn’t require great deeds. It can be as simple as taking a few extra minutes to pack your husband’s lunch before he heads to work, or stopping to compliment your neighbor on his flower beds. Even the smallest acts of kindness are precious in the eyes of our Maker.

Gentleness

In a world where women are told to be strong and assertive, a gentle wife and mother is a quiet reminder of what womanhood is designed to be. A gentle woman is strong in her own way, which is different from the strength of a man. “Strength and dignity are her clothing” speaks of the virtues of gentleness and modesty. According to the Biblical author, these virtues are a source of strength and dignity which are particular to women.

Both of them require a kind of reservation: their strength is like the strong walls of a castle, instead of the strength of an army going forth to battle. Both kinds of strength are admirable, but neither can stand alone. The army needs a strong place to retreat and regroup, while the castle needs an army to defend it. The different strengths of men and women are complementary: they support and complete each other.

When men and women recognize this and work together, the result is a relationship of beautiful harmony. If they don’t, relationships often become battlegrounds, where both parties strive after the masculine form of strength, and the feminine element is lost.

It is worth noting that a gentle man is not effeminate. On the contrary, it is the best and most masculine of men who can see the value of gentleness, and balance it with a more overt and active form of strength. Loving husbands and fathers can be extremely gentle and tender with their wives and children. Just so, women can possess a high degree of more “manly” strength only if they are rooted in virtuous femininity. Joan of Arc comes to mind, among other holy women. When women strive for masculine strength without gentleness, it often degenerates into aggressiveness and tyranny because the foundation of virtue is not present.

How can homemakers practice the virtue of gentleness? Gentle words calm discord among family members, where harsh words stir up strife. A gentle touch conveys love and respect, where rough handling would be cold and domineering. Gentle speech reflects a mind and heart which is centered on the higher things, while coarse language reflects base and uncharitable thoughts.

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I think that’s enough for today. Let’s continue with the rest of the virtues next week, shall we? In the meantime, how do you practice these virtues through homemaking? Let me know in the comments!