Tending the Fruits of the Spirit through Homemaking

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We’ve probably all heard the adage, “Home is a school for virtue.” Usually, that is said with children in mind: home is where they learn the rudiments of virtue and moral values (known as good behavior at that age). However, children are not the only people who spend most of their time at home.

Homemakers have the task of creating homes for their families. Those who are mothers also have charge of instructing their offspring and setting an example of virtue. Every homemaker, regardless of whether or not she has young children at home, can learn something from the “school of virtue” that is the home. Indeed, there are several specific virtues that are particularly suited to a homemaker’s role, and which can be cultivated through the everyday duties of homemaking.

The Fruits of the Spirit

There are so many different virtues we could talk about when it comes to homemaking! Hospitality is a great one, for instance. Gratitude is another indispensable virtue for homemakers. Then there’s patience, kindness, humility, beneficence… Where to start? Let’s begin with the Fruits of the Spirit.

St. Paul describes the characteristics of a person who is filled with grace and living in accord with God’s will. These characteristics are known as the Fruits of the Spirit, and there are traditionally twelve: charity, joy, peace, patience, benignity, goodness, long-suffering, mildness, modesty, faith, continency, and chastity. Sometimes we come across a shorter list of eight: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and faithfulness.

These features of holiness may be evident in any man or woman who is striving to follow God’s Will, but that doesn’t mean they just happen. Surely not! They might seem effortless for some people, but all virtues must be practiced, or they’re not virtues at all.

Charity

“Charity begins at home.” Mother Teresa knew well that virtues must begin in the most common, intimate sphere of life: home and family. This is the necessary foundation even for heroic virtues of bravery or sacrificial love. Those don’t just appear out of thin air in times of trial; they must be nurtured in the mundane tasks and small choices we make every day.

Homemakers can cultivate charity by embracing their role in the home and family. It is easy to tell the difference between someone who is not thrilled about being “stuck at home” with the cooking and cleaning and kids, and someone who pours her heart and soul into being a homemaker. Even if it wasn’t her first choice.

That point is especially important, because the choice to love our families is a decision that has to be made again and again, every single day (and sometimes many times in a single day!). That means there is always a new opportunity to begin again, to say “I’m sorry,” and try harder.

How can we grow in charity at home? “Love is patient… love is kind. It is not jealous or boastful. It does not insist on its own way. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” (CF 1 Cor 13). Our homes and families are the perfect place to practice this foundational virtue, because that is the place we tend to relax and let our guard down. We are familiar and comfortable with our family members; we know them, and they know us.

Because of this, family relationships can get strained very easily. Our brothers and sisters, parents and children can hurt us more easily than casual friends or coworkers can, simply because we have a more intimate relationship with them. Charity sets matters right again, when people get upset. Charity smooths an angry countenance, and clears away the gloom of self-centered grumpiness.

A homemaker who wants to practice charity can find myriads of opportunities in her daily life. She can infuse love into all of her tasks: intentionally washing the dishes and hanging the laundry out of love for the people who dirtied the dishes and stained the clothes. She can make every chore into a prayer, and strive to serve her family as the Blessed Mother served her husband and Son during those many quiet years at home.

Joy

Joy is not just a feeling, although it is usually portrayed that way. The virtue of joy is more like a holy cheerfulness than exuberant emotions. It takes “willpower”–a conscious decision to be cheerful, even when we don’t feel like it. Joy can and does become a habit in people who practice it regularly, and joy is a characteristic trait of many great saints.

This virtue is important for homemakers to cultivate because the wife and mother usually sets the tone for the entire household, even if she doesn’t realize it. Her attitude impacts the rest of her family, either positively or negatively. By choosing to be joyful, homemakers fill their homes with sunshine. If a simple smile bestowed on a stranger can go a long way toward brightening his day, then think what an impact practicing conscious cheerfulness every day can have on your family!

How exactly can a homemaker be more joyful? This might seem more mysterious to some people than others, depending upon temperament. I tend to be more melancholic, so this is one area I need to constantly watch over! But even for those of us who are not naturally sanguine, there are simple, practical ways to gradually become more joyful.

One little way is to accept the day’s weather with a grateful heart: whether it’s raining or shining, you can choose to cheerfully accept whatever the day brings instead of complaining that your plans were ruined. Another little way to practice joy is stopping to appreciate simple things: the way the sun shines in your window, the delicate fragrance of a flower or the freshness after rain, the delighted smile that lights up a child’s face.

As you can see from these examples, joy springs from gratitude. On days when you feel anything but joyful, sometimes the most helpful thing is to take a break from whatever you’re doing, stop thinking negative thoughts, and start counting your blessings. I don’t know of any more effective way to break a grumpy mood and start fresh with a smile–and most likely with tears in my eyes.

Peace

Like joy, peace is often thought to be something that just happens to you. But any mother can tell you that when you live with small children, peace is rarely spontaneous. You have to make it happen. Peace is not just an absence of strife; it is something positive, not negative. Peace is a state of rest, acceptance, and trust. It comes through surrender of one’s own will to the will of God.

Peaceful people accept everything, both good and bad, as ultimately coming from God and allowed by His Providence. They are not anxious and worried about many things, as they trust that “all things work together for good, for those who love God” (Romans 8:28).

This does not mean that peaceful people are passive all the time, or that they are lazy and don’t try to better themselves or improve their situations. By no means! Peace is an interior disposition, which can be practiced even when exterior circumstances are tumultuous and call for decisive action.

Practicing peace is like cleaning the windshield of your car: it clears away the clutter of worldly anxieties and cares so that you can see where you’re going. Just as it’s even more important to have a clean windshield when the weather is bad than when it is bright and sunny, so it is even more important to practice interior peace when life seems to be falling to pieces, than when everything is going swimmingly.

Homemakers can practice peace through daily prayer and meditation, submitting their cares, anxieties, and desires to God’s will. They can act with a peaceful spirit by speaking calmly instead of letting their voices escalate in moments of exasperation. If there is anything in your life that causes you anxiety, consider whether or not you can remove it or turn it off. Perhaps watching or listening to the news makes you stressed. Reading the newspaper or getting your news from one veritable source (as opposed to anything and everything in the media) might be a good alternative.

If social media eats away at your peace of mind, it is wise to limit the time you spend on those platforms–or leave them altogether. Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, or admirable, think on these things (CF Philippians 4:8). These are the things that will set your heart and mind at peace, when you are rocking on a turbulent sea of emotions and worries.

Kindness

Kindness is not a popular virtue at this point in time. Relativistic “tolerance” takes its place on the list of approved social virtues. But tolerance is very far from kindness. It says, “You can say or do anything you like, as long as you don’t try to impose restraints of any kind on anybody.” It is supposed to do away with judgment, but in reality, it harshly judges those who are supposedly “intolerant” of popular practices or beliefs.

Kindness, on the other hand, has nothing to do with judgment. It is simply reaching out to another person with love. Therese of Lisieux said that doing little things with great love is like an escalator to heaven. Why? Acts of kindness keep you focused on the other person and his needs, rather than what you think about his moral choices or social status. Kindness is a concrete way of putting charity into action. By practicing little acts of kindness regularly, you will start to focus less on yourself and more on others.

Many people strive to become less selfish as they seek to live a good and virtuous life. That is a very difficult thing to do! It seems that the harder you try, the more you see your own selfishness. St. Therese compared kindness to a spiritual escalator because it’s an unconscious dying to self: by practicing kindness, you’re not thinking about yourself at all. You don’t notice yourself becoming less selfish, but selfish habits melt away as you start to focus more and more on others.

One of the biggest excuses people have for lack of kindness is being “too busy.” We have all been unkind at one point or another: whether it was driving past a beggar on the corner because you didn’t want to be late for your meeting, failing to notice the cashier at the grocery store because you were too absorbed in what you needed to do next, or brushing your child away when he asked for a story because you were in the middle of some urgent task.

Finding the time to be kind needs to become a habit in order to really be effective. Some people keep a string of beads in their pocket as a reminder: whenever you do an act of kindness, slide one bead to the other end of the string. The point isn’t so much using up all of the kindness beads every day, as making kindness a habit.

As homemakers, so much of what we do every day seems small and insignificant. Yet, how often do we stop to think about incorporating kindness into our interactions with family members and others? Kindness doesn’t require great deeds. It can be as simple as taking a few extra minutes to pack your husband’s lunch before he heads to work, or stopping to compliment your neighbor on his flower beds. Even the smallest acts of kindness are precious in the eyes of our Maker.

Gentleness

In a world where women are told to be strong and assertive, a gentle wife and mother is a quiet reminder of what womanhood is designed to be. A gentle woman is strong in her own way, which is different from the strength of a man. “Strength and dignity are her clothing” speaks of the virtues of gentleness and modesty. According to the Biblical author, these virtues are a source of strength and dignity which are particular to women.

Both of them require a kind of reservation: their strength is like the strong walls of a castle, instead of the strength of an army going forth to battle. Both kinds of strength are admirable, but neither can stand alone. The army needs a strong place to retreat and regroup, while the castle needs an army to defend it. The different strengths of men and women are complementary: they support and complete each other.

When men and women recognize this and work together, the result is a relationship of beautiful harmony. If they don’t, relationships often become battlegrounds, where both parties strive after the masculine form of strength, and the feminine element is lost.

It is worth noting that a gentle man is not effeminate. On the contrary, it is the best and most masculine of men who can see the value of gentleness, and balance it with a more overt and active form of strength. Loving husbands and fathers can be extremely gentle and tender with their wives and children. Just so, women can possess a high degree of more “manly” strength only if they are rooted in virtuous femininity. Joan of Arc comes to mind, among other holy women. When women strive for masculine strength without gentleness, it often degenerates into aggressiveness and tyranny because the foundation of virtue is not present.

How can homemakers practice the virtue of gentleness? Gentle words calm discord among family members, where harsh words stir up strife. A gentle touch conveys love and respect, where rough handling would be cold and domineering. Gentle speech reflects a mind and heart which is centered on the higher things, while coarse language reflects base and uncharitable thoughts.

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I think that’s enough for today. Let’s continue with the rest of the virtues next week, shall we? In the meantime, how do you practice these virtues through homemaking? Let me know in the comments!