Why is it so hard to find time to sit down and write a letter these days? Oh, there are myriad excuses: children constantly clamoring for attention, unending household chores to complete, projects at school or work with looming deadlines, et cetera. It all comes down to being too busy, of course. Too busy doing what? Too busy for what?
The dangers of being too busy
When someone says that he is “too busy,” it could be a particularly hectic hour or day, in which circumstances arise which require immediate attention, and throw off his normal schedule. We could call this acute busyness. However, if you find yourself saying you are “too busy” frequently–and not just because you would rather not attend that function anyway–you might have a case of chronic busyness.
Chronic busyness is a problem. It is detrimental to your health physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Physically, it robs time that you could have spent taking care of yourself. People who are always too busy don’t have time for exercise or cooking nutritious meals. They have elevated cortisol levels, which causes adrenal fatigue and puts unnecessary stress on vital organs. Psychologically, it can cause anxiety and emotional imbalances or burnout. Spiritually, it leads to neglect of prayer, worship, and works of mercy.
Chronic busyness also damages your relationships, if you keep putting them on the back burner until some point in the distant future when you will have more time for that sort of thing. You can’t put relationships on hold continually and expect to have a great marriage or friendship. Chronic busyness may seem complicated, but it boils down to weakness of character: laziness, distractibility, or vague anxiety stemming from acedia.
What is Acedia?
Acedia is an ancient Greek term. It comes from the word kÄ“dos, which means “care, concern, or grief.” Acedia refers to spiritual sloth, which is a lack of care about anything, particularly spiritual things. Cassian described acedia as “a combination of listlessness, undirected anxiety, and inability to concentrate.” (Institutes, Book X) Acedia can cause laziness, apathy, perhaps even depression or despair. It is listed as one of the seven deadly sins for a reason! Unfortunately, acedia doesn’t get a lot of press, so you may not even realize it’s something to watch out for.
Some people see acedia as merely an emotion of boredom and listlessness, but it is more than that. Acedia is not caring and not doing. It is apathy and sloth. What does this have to do with relationships? Acedia slowly kills relationships. It makes you too busy to spend time with people; or if you do, acedia makes you too frazzled or distracted to really attend to the other person.
Ousting Acedia
Combating acedia necessitates diligence. Indeed, that is the main requirement for fighting this vice. Since acedia is a lack of caring and acting, the remedy is to make yourself care about God and other folks, and act rightly toward them. How do you make yourself care? Remember, this is not just a feeling. Caring is about your will, not your emotions. If a sluggishness of emotion gets in the way, try reading some books that will reorient your will toward the good. I suggest C.S. Lewis.
Acting as if you care can also help to lead your feelings in the right direction. Think about how you would act if you deeply cared about the people in your home, school, or workplace. Now go do those things. It will be distasteful at first, but it will get easier. Pray for grace to see the right thing to do, and do it!
How to build good relationships
Now, what would a lady do who loved her husband dearly? She would show her love by greeting him cheerfully when he enters the room, finding and doing little things to make his day easier, being affectionate and courteous in manner, and making a point to converse with him in a time and place without distraction, so she can fully attend to him.
Likewise, how would a lady act toward a dear friend? She would, above all, desire the friend’s good and always try to help her achieve it. She would be eager to speak to her friend, whether in person, by phone, or by writing. (I might note here that text messages are really not the same as writing a letter, because tone and emotion are completely eliminated and often misjudged by the recipient.) She would desire to spend time with the friend, if possible, joining good conversation with pleasurable activity. How often? I am not about to prescribe a set number or hours or minutes, but good friendships require diligent care and attention.
Of course, this goes further than family and friends. You can be a good neighbor by, first of all, speaking to your neighbors: introducing yourself, greeting them when you meet, chatting for a few minutes, perhaps even helping out with an errand or lending a cup of sugar once in a while.
Helping out a fellow student with homework or lending a hand to a stressed coworker doesn’t have to take more than a few minutes. Making eye contact with the grocery store cashier and thanking him with a warm smile doesn’t take any time at all. Being polite to the customer service representative who is not solving your problem might be a little harder; try to remember that you are talking to someone else’s husband, wife, mother, or best friend!
Widening your heart
Showing that you have time for another person can make a huge difference in both of your lives. Putting more effort into your relationships will make you a better friend, spouse, parent, and sibling. More than that, it will enlarge your heart so that you will start to see everyone you meet as a human person, and not just an object. If acedia is a lack of heart that is eating away at your relationships, then intentionally cultivating them results in greatness of heart: magnanimity.
Now go write that letter already!
~ Kimberly
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