11 Tried and True Tips for Newlyweds

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Is marriage what you expected it to be? Has it been a difficult adjustment? Your relationship inevitably goes through some major changes within the first year or so of marriage. If you feel like you’re missing something in your marriage, consider these tips for newlyweds.

Actually, they apply to all marriages, no matter how young or old. But the best time to start putting them into practice is now. Your future self will thank you!

I’m writing from a wife’s perspective, so some of these tips are geared toward women. But you’re welcome to share them with your husband!

1. Forgive right away

Every newlywed hears some version of this old adage. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” “Don’t hold grudges.” “Don’t go to bed angry.” It’s very true, but it’s all too easy to forget these familiar words in the tumultuous first months of marriage.

Marriage is an intimate relationship with another human being. The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to offend each other- even if you love each other very much.

The way to prevent such offenses from damaging your marriage is to forgive readily.

This doesn’t mean you pretend it doesn’t matter or you weren’t hurt. There would be nothing to forgive in that case. No, forgiveness acknowledges the fault and the hurt, but says, “My love for you is greater than this fault. Let’s move forward and start again in love, instead of dwelling on the past with resentment.”

2. Don’t keep secrets from your spouse

Your marriage partner should be the person who knows you best. Better than your best friend or your mother. Such an intimate relationship deserves a deep level of transparency and honesty.

You aren’t truly revealing yourself to your spouse if you hold some things back. Secrets get in the way of true intimacy between persons. If you want to have a deep relationship built on trust, you simply can’t keep secrets from your spouse.

Secrecy undermines trust in marriage because it blocks off a part of yourself that you won’t share with your spouse. Trust is a fragile thing, and even little secrets about insignificant matters can damage it.

Why? Because humans are imperfect. We’re prone to faults and failures and we know it. If you keep one secret from your spouse, they’re going to wonder what else you’re not telling them. And that is not a good road to travel in marriage.

Take money as an example. Money is one of the most common subjects married couples fight over. Being transparent in money matters goes a long way toward preventing fights and resentment.

(Note: I’m not saying arguments are bad. Resentment, however, is bad for a marriage. This goes along with #2 above.)

3. Forget about equality

Some people walk into marriage thinking they will split all tasks and burdens exactly down the middle. Fair is fair, and both parties should pull equal weight.

That’s not really what marriage is about, though. There is a lot of give and take in the relationship, for sure, but equality isn’t even in the equation.

Why not, you ask? Why should one person get the short end of the stick? This is the modern world, after all. Women no longer have to stay home and mind the house and kids. They can have careers too. And men can learn to do housework. They wouldn’t want to oppress their wives.

Hold on! Take a step back for a minute. You’re asking the wrong questions. Think about what initially attracted you to your spouse. What do you admire about him? Are they qualities or characteristics that you yourself possess in an equal amount?

I doubt it. We can only admire that which we do not possess. Even if you both have a similar characteristic, chances are that you and your spouse express it differently.

That’s a good thing, by the way. If you and your spouse had exactly equal qualifications and characteristics, how boring that would be! Marriage is a dynamic relationship wherein both spouses work together, using their individual talents and abilities in whatever way is best for the marriage as a whole.

Differences between your temperaments and abilities mean you bring something unique and special to the relationship. You can give something to the marriage that your spouse can’t, and vice versa.

So instead of thinking about marriage in terms of equality, try thinking about it as a dynamic relationship where you and your spouse work together by combining your different skills and talents to create something better and stronger than the individual parts.

Need a clearer image? Think of a single flute playing a melody. Now another flute joins the first, both playing the same tune. The sound doesn’t change much, does it?

But what happens if the second flute plays a harmony line instead of the melody? Now you have a duet that is more beautiful than the melody alone.

Marriage is just like this. If both parties were exactly equal, why would the marriage exist? But if each brings his and her unique perspectives and gifts to the marriage, then something truly beautiful can blossom.

4. Communication takes work

We just talked about how you and your spouse have different perspectives. You might be thinking, “Boy, is that right! Sometimes it seems like we’re speaking different languages!”

I hear you. It’s because of our differences that communication isn’t as simple as we think it should be. Sometimes when your spouse just doesn’t seem to understand you, it’s tempting just to give up, say it doesn’t matter, and walk away feeling frustrated.

But it does matter. You have chosen this partner for life, and the ups and downs of life will be a lot easier to bear if you can communicate well.

That’s a lot easier said than done, as I can attest. Communication isn’t just words; it’s looks, gestures, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues. It’s not a science, that you can study and learn everything there is to know.

Communication between spouses is not based on rules and sets of data. You can’t look up a word or phrase in the Wife/Husband Dictionary to see exactly what your spouse means.

No, communication is different for everyone, and you and your spouse have to figure out what the other is saying. You will have to work at it for years; maybe your entire marriage. Some couples seem to reach a state of perfect communication after 40 or 50 years together. You can hope for that!

But it takes a lot of work, and it’s often frustrating. The easy option is to give up or get angry when you can’t get your message across–or when your spouse says you don’t understand.

Then what happens? You either don’t talk for a while, or end up saying something in anger. Both of those reactions weaken your communication even further.

That attitude doesn’t help either of you, and it makes important discussions more difficult. If your usual reaction to miscommunication is to fall silent or get angry, how will you make decisions together?

The big decisions in life and marriage tend to involve a lot of emotion as it is. They are a whole lot easier to discuss if you can communicate without getting sullen or angry.

5. Don’t take your spouse for granted

Another thing that’s easier said than done. Some people see routine as the enemy of marriage, because it’s easy to get stuck in a rut of habitual daily living and stop caring.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. The solution to this is to enjoy the little everyday moments without taking your spouse for granted.

What does that mean, exactly? It has to do with love and paying attention. Think about a typical day. How many things do you do each day without really thinking about them, as if they were on autopilot? Conversely, what do you really pay attention to? I hope your spouse is one of them.

Routine says, “This happens every day, so it must not be important.” Living with intention says, “This happens every day, so it must be very important.”

Living with intention means not rushing through life, trying to complete as many tasks as possible. It means slowing down enough to pay attention to each person who asks you to do something.

When you begin to live with intention, you begin to see the meaning of tasks you would have considered mindless. You see who you are helping by doing those chores; or who you could be helping.

If you can do small acts every day out of love for your spouse, your family, your coworkers, your neighbors, that is living with intention. Once you begin to do this, you will stop living on autopilot and taking people for granted.

6. Set goals and talk about your dreams together

How do you keep your marriage strong for 20, 30, 40 years? By working together toward the same goals. Communication plays a big role here, but it also helps to have a mutual game plan, a blueprint for life.

You probably talked about goals and dreams when you were dating and engaged. You wanted to make sure that your goals lined up with your future spouse’s goals–and for good reason.

If two people set out together on a journey, but one wants to go to Chicago and the other wants to go to Amsterdam, it doesn’t take a genius to see that they won’t stay together.

When you enter into marriage, you are taking on a lifelong travel partner. It’s a good idea to review your goals and dreams every once in a while, and make sure you’re both on the same track.

Of course you will both have some different dreams and aspirations. That’s healthy, and good for your marriage. But if you don’t have some mutual life goals, then where is your marriage headed?

Some people wake up one day and find that their life goals are completely different. Don’t let that be you. Talk about goals and dreams with your spouse, even if it seems silly. Don’t assume you know what the other person wants. Ask.

7. Grow and learn together

All relationships change over time, because all people change and grow. Strong relationships don’t avoid change; they grow together. This is similar to working toward shared goals, but on a more basic level.

You may already have learned that you grow together through trials and challenges. But there are other ways to grow which are easier and more positive!

Here are some ways you and your spouse can grow and learn together:

• Read a book and discuss it

• Take a class together

• Attend a lecture or retreat together

• Choose a new activity to try together

• Plan a trip and learn about your destination: history, culture, etc.

• Have a baby

8. Take turns supporting each other

Every marriage encounters rough spots, tragedy, and heartache. Not every marriage deals with these effectively. Strong marriages involve a lot of give and take, and this applies to supporting each other emotionally and physically.

It’s easy to see the physical implications. If your spouse is swamped at work, you can pitch in and take care of all the housework for a while. If you are sick or having a difficult pregnancy, your spouse can do extra to help out.

But the emotional component isn’t always as clear. Think about minor crises you’ve encountered in the last month or so. Did one spouse bear all the emotional burden and act as the calming influence? Or did you trade roles in different situations?

I realize this has a lot to do with personality, and no personality is intrinsically “bad.” Someone who reacts negatively in stressful situations might be really good at encouraging his or her spouse when they’re battling negative thoughts.

My husband and I have fairly similar personalities, and we joke about “taking turns being miserable.” While neither of us has ever been clinically depressed, we can both feel down at times. It’s essential for us to keep a balance, with one person remaining level-headed and encouraging the other to snap out of their negativity.

The point is that when you both know your strengths and weaknesses, you can build each other up and make your marriage stronger.

Saying, “Oh, he’s the strong one,” is counterproductive. You both have something to contribute to your marriage partnership. You can both support each other in different ways.

9. Give your best to your spouse

10. Your spouse comes before your kids

This can be especially difficult for women to remember. The mothering instinct is strong, and it’s easy to spend all your time and energy taking care of your offspring, particularly when they’re young. Some mothers even see this as admirable behavior.

It’s not. Yes, your children need lots of love and attention, but so does your spouse. You can’t spend five or ten years ignoring your husband and expect your marriage to stay as strong as it was before you had kids.

You must tend your marriage constantly if you want it to thrive. That means carving out time for date night and having real conversations without interruptions.

Of course it’s hard. You might just have to get by with the bare minimum during certain periods of life, such as right after the birth of a baby, but it should never become a habit.

You’ve probably heard the adage, “The best thing you can do for your kids is to love their mother” (or father). Giving your kids a stable family environment to grow up in is indeed the best gift you can give them.

And modeling a strong and healthy marriage gives them the tools to form their own strong relationships when they’re older. They learn by watching you–and they’re always watching!

Not only that, but your kids probably won’t live with you forever. They grow up and move out. But marriage isn’t a temporary arrangement. Your spouse will be there until death do you part.

So set aside time to devote completely to your spouse. Put it in your schedule if you have to. How often? Marriage counselors say every week. (I’m cringing as I write this, because I’m bad at sticking to it!)

If once-a-week date night seems unattainable, at least set aside one evening per week for your spouse. Shoot for an evening that you’re not both exhausted. As soon as the kids are in bed, turn your phones off and talk to each other.

Make your spouse a priority. Your kids will thank you later.

11. Remember to be grateful

Last of all, say thank you. Learn to appreciate everything your spouse does for you. Don’t compare your own contributions, saying, “Well, he’s done this much, but look at how much I do every day.” Marriage is not a competition.

If you’re focusing on yourself and everything you do for your spouse, your marriage will suffer. An inward focus leads to discontent and possibly resentment. Focusing on your spouse is the way to deepen your relationship and make it last a lifetime.

How exactly can you do this? Think of all the ways your life is better because of your spouse. Think of everything he does on a daily or weekly basis to help, support, and love you.

Maybe he surprises you with flowers once in a while, just because. Maybe he works diligently every day to financially support your family. Perhaps he volunteers to cook or do one of your chores when you’re having a rough day. Or perhaps he puts up with your hobbies and interests when he would rather be doing something else.

However your spouse shows his love to you, be grateful. Say thank you.

There’s always more to learn

Giving advice is the easy part. Putting it into practice is always harder. I am still working on all of these areas in my own marriage. Marriage is a lifelong journey, and you never reach a point where you are done working at your relationship.

I’m not a marriage counselor, nor do I consider myself an expert. I’ve only been married 3 1/2 years, so I still have a lot to learn. However, I’ve seen some wonderful marriages, and I want the best for my own marriage.

One of the books that has shaped my ideas about marriage is By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride, by Alice von Hildebrand. She elaborates on many more tips for newlyweds and the marriage relationship in general. I have not consciously used anything from it in this article, but I know that I’ve absorbed some of the ideas and they are reflected in my writing.

Disclosure: the link above is an affiliate link. If you click the link and make a qualified purchase, I may receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you.

These tips for newlyweds have been helpful in our marriage, and I sincerely hope they will be beneficial to you as well!

What next?

After reading these tips for newlyweds, do you still feel like there’s something lacking in your marriage, or you don’t have enough time or energy to put into your relationship.

Maybe your work schedules don’t coincide very well, and you spend all your free time doing chores instead of working on your marriage.

If you want to read more about living intentionally and making relationships a priority, read The Purpose of Homemaking.